This Too Shall Pass

Recently, I experimented with a new method. I stacked multiple time series together. Assuming they shared some common factors and differed from the rest, I let the differed parts go wild (random walk) while the common components stay the same. Does it work well? No. The imposed assumption of the commonality was too rigid for my experimenting time series. Losing interest, I dropped the approach. 

I told my previous colleague about my experiment results. Expectedly, he did not leave a single comment. I knew he knew it would not work. He would participate more eagerly if I asked him in a more controversial way such as the existence of common factors behind human. If age, ethnicity, etc do not make up the grid, what are they?

I am learning to respect and work with diversity through my own way, slow, painful and costly.  From time to time, I replayed in my mind the work and the people. The excitement embedded in memory and faded with time, stunning and still.

ay-yup, I adore the power from words as concise, controversial but comforting as they should be.  

"Hey old timer, does it matter if i take this road to get to Craftsbury"

"not to me it don't"

无邪

by 李宗盛

当你为自己守约
日子像私密进行的静谧书写
接近仪式般 沉静深入
屏息穿越

我喜欢这种感觉
像束手无策却悄悄坚决
于是再狂野的邀约
能无悬念地拒绝

爱着却不必取悦 深信却无须凭藉
经过那 虚妄真切 柔和炙烈 相聚分别
终于还能够 毫不胆怯

Thing One

Thing One is a doll with happy freckled face and angry red hair. He came to me on a summer morning within a cereal box. And I decided to carry him along at the first sight.

He stayed at the corner of my backpack.  I had to pull away lots of junk to get him out. "How are you doing, thing one?" I said. He replied with his heartless smile. His smile can remind me lots of things. For example, I need to brush my teeth harder or the younger days when I had faith in understanding the universe using my own theory, not from books or schools or whatever. 

I don't remember when he stopped giving me accompany just like I can't recall where he got his cool name from. Maybe I lost him during the moves. Or he started a new adventure himself. In any case, he will be doing ok since he is as strong as his smile.  I will wave hands at him if I see him or not.

Dear John

I like John's class but I am never one of his favorite students. Surprisingly for a person who lacks life experience and social skills, I am pretty good at handling these kinds of situation. The trick is simply 'be myself'.

As Forrest Gump put it this way: 'That day, for no particular reason, I decided to go for a little run.' The words hit me when I first watched the movie. And they hit me again last year April. Therefore, I found myself an old pair of sweatpants, an oversized cotton t-shirt and dusted off my sneaker. I showed up at John's class.

"If you are new or newish..." He stopped beside me. "You might want to move to the front." He said. However, in my opinion the best spot for me was as close as to the exit. I was very sure I could not stand to the end of the class. My reaction to his advice made him walk away for couple of months.

I was clumsy. I was out of breathe. I fell. I was beaten up by kickboxing. John didn't say a single word to me. Instead, he observed me struggling. I kept coming back to his class and every time I probably convinced him it was my last time showing up there.

Slowly, I catch up. He started correcting my moves and enjoyed confusing me with his puzzle-like instructions. One day, after a complicated combo, I retreated to the corner for water. He walked pass me and pat me on the shoulder without a word. I nodded back at him with respect.

As my fitness level increased, I had several opportunities to try out other sports, including one invitation to practice marathon. I gave a thought but declined them. I can imagine the achievement of reaching a challenging goal set to your body through discipline and hard work. However, I could not give myself a proper reason. I didn't care too much about my body fat, muscle shape or weight. I was pretty sure I was headstrong already, maybe too much of it which gave me headache as well.

One day I had a phone chat with a runner. She is leading an organization to encourage homeless people to run with her. "You will remember the smiles on their faces. I believe running can help them find the confidence they lost long time ago." She said softly and determinately. " I wish I could join you." I said.

For years, I always felt there was one piece missing in my wardrobe. The feeling kept me looking around and around. Now I figured out the solution to the puzzle. The missing piece is my confidence, my strength and my smile. And John's class, as a hint of the puzzle, takes me to make a deal with my stubborn mind.

I started to inspire people around me going to gym or trying out John's class. Some of them stayed with me. Some of them didn't. It doesn't matter. Spotting the smile on their faces makes me feel like I just completed a marathon.

Reborn

Everyday I woke up twice. The first time, when I was running after the shuttle in the morning, wondering what made the bus become so annoyingly on time. The second time, when I was walking out of the gym and ready to give everyone a big hug.

In the morning, I am a robot. I am programmed to run for the shuttle, fight for the food, drink caffeine, do the work and worry the worry.

In the evening, I am a person who thinks and works. My brain speaks, my body listens and follows. Nothing bothers. I am un-programming myself.

Gym Friends - Alex

"where has Alex been?" I asked when I was getting the ticket to the fitness class.
"He is not working here any more." The new staff replied absently.
"Oh, which building is he working now?"
"He left." His cold tone suggested that any further inquires were not encouraged.

Alex used to be a staff member at our gym. He was about fifty. He was short and strong which gave him a "gym guy" identification easily. One of his duties was to avoid overflow in some popular group fitness classes. Therefore, he was often seen to hand out or collect tickets. That was also how I became acquainted with him.

I remembered it took him a long time to remember my name. For a period of time, our conversation had a simple pattern. We exchanged greetings first, then he asked for my name and I told him. The repetition made me start guiltily as if I had proven again my name sounded so alien to people in this country. I supposed he also felt awkward. "I will remember your name this time." One day he said and he did.

It was him who first noticed my uplifting mood after the workout. "You should keep coming to gym. You always have that beautiful smile on your face after the workout." One day he said when I was waving hands to say goodbye after the exercise. He was so sincere at that moment that it kept me wondering till now what I looked like most of the time to others. Confused, tired, dull, day-dreaming?

" I will." I promised him with a generous smile I could afford only after an hour of hard kicking and punching.

After the new year, I met most of my gym friends but not him. "He might take a long vacation. Everyone needs a good vacation some times." I thought. However, as my imaginary
Alex's vacation got longer and longer, the theory became less and less convincing. Finally, I was told he had been laid off. Strangely enough, the idea that I would never have chance to wish him happy new year occurred to me right after hearing the sad and shocking news.

"He was quite cheerful before the holiday break." People started guessing the exact time he was leaving. Uninteresting and meaningless as I felt, I didn't join the gossip and walked away.

Now, I still go to gym every day. But I am not expecting to meet Alex again. As usual, I get my ticket, put on my gym outfit and sweat. There was once a new print fitness ticket which reminded me of him. "I hope all of us have a happy 2012 no matter what." I thought to myself while staring at the new print.

Think London

Walking through different project recruiting posters, I felt I was more like an intruder instead of an insider.

I slowly walked towards the exit and was stopped by a tall guy with a soft British accent.
"Have you ever considered working at London?" He said cheerfully.
There was a giant poster behind him showing a map of the office location and its nearby attractions. I studied the map with some interest as if I hoped I could immediately spot some convincing evidence from the map that I would fly out to London the next day.

"The office has a nice view of *** and very close to *** station." The guy was also trying to help.
"Why didn't he mention tea party?" I thought amusingly. It could be a good point, at least for me.
'Restaurants in old library where you could have a wonderful dinner.' One notation said so.

Oh, I have seen that scene many many times in my bed time reading books. Lonely londoners always went about his or her own separate business in the library at the lunch time. The visits were usually not for any literary purposes. The reasons could be a free, cozy place to sit; a short break from office nearby; an opportunity to collect free leaflets and discount coupons; a good place to dispose of unwanted personal belongings, or just an alternative place to British museum.

I walked away from the poster thinking of the lonely life in London.